We are in the process of moving right now. Moving is something I had thought (hoped) we wouldn’t have to do again for many years, so when we were given the notice on Christmas Eve that we would have to leave our trailer, it felt like some jerk came along and flipped our board game over. We didn’t think we’d find anywhere we could afford to rent that had enough space for both our family and our business, we didn’t think buying would be an option for us because of being self employed, having boatloads of student loan debt, a modest income, etc. We had just (like we make the mistake of doing every year) spent too much money that we didn’t have trying to participate in the Christmas thing. We also received this news close in time to when we received bad and uncertain news about Alex’s health, so this was compounding information for Alex, where it felt like nothing was certain and any given in his life was up for grabs.
So I found myself being the stable element in our relationship, when typically grounded Alex plays this roll. As is my practice when it feels like my control gears are failing all around me, I did a Tarot reading for myself, and then did several more over the following weeks. All of which were reassuring me that this seems/is terrible (the Tower,) but is actually for the better even though there are things I can’t see yet, and that it is actually happening for the growth and perpetuation of my work in this world (Judgement.)
It was very hard to picture this actually happening a mere month ago, yet here we are - moving into a home that we were privileged to get a loan for, closer to the city I plan to serve with my doula services, with the magical address of 1111, with plans to host my first doula client there this spring, in a space I get to make beautiful and comfortable to meet with birthing people in if their home doesn’t feel like home enough to want to meet there. We’ll be closer to the majority of our community of friends, in a sweet ass little house that has space for all facets of our business (basement for a floral studio, space for an office, beautiful naturally light everywhere for photo shoots, a yard for growing flowers, etc.) When called upon, our community of current and previous clients came together to get in not-due-yet balances, or rushed to hire us for things they already had in the works to make coming up with the down payment for the house a reality. When I went into the bank to get the cashier’s check for the down payment, more money than I’d ever handled in my life, the sweet bank teller congratulated us and hugged me, even though I’d only given her a simple, spark notes version of the journey it took to get here, and I nearly started crying right there in the bank, because somehow she deftly perceived what it took for us to get to this point of going in for the cashier’s check, and what a moment of relief and celebration this was.
We’re in the thick of moving right now, and much like when you’re sick and you never realize how good you had it when you could breathe properly, we’re in the never-realized-how-good-we-had-it-when-our-life-wasn’t-upended feeling. But the difference this time is the responsibility I feel to do right by this - this house that could really have only come to us as a gift, as a vessel, a vehicle to carry out our work in the world. So I’m (trying) to keep my irritability about the transition in check right now in favor of a you-asked-for-this-gratitude.
I never thought I’d be a married person, yet here I am, symbiotically growing along side a partner, changing the marriage game from the inside out, rather than the outside looking in. I never thought I’d be a parent, and yet here I am, having found all of my purpose in the world and discovering everything I even give a shit about at all through the journey to and in parenthood, changing the birth and parenting game from the inside too. I never thought I’d be a homeowner either, and yet, here I am - the world’s happiest hypocrite.